since I finally found the tape measurer after who knows how long. I am so fucking disappointed. I knew I was bigger than last year. BUT GEEZUS. And now my mom wants me to take it slow because my back locked the other day.

I hate that my body is limited. I never had to worry about that before 2007 (I was in a car crash. Car hit the passenger side and my arm was on the arm rest, sending the jolt to my lower back.) and even though I was bigger than everybody else, I was just AS athletic as everyone or more. This probably sounds like gibberish. Maybe I should vent out in a longer post, but I don’t want to waste time on that.

The thing is, I don’t want to lose weight fast to look good (although that is a huge bonus), I am HONESTLY worried about my health and mental well-being. The strain on my back is horrendous, the deep depression I finally pulled myself out of is creeping back, I can’t walk as easy because of my back, sleeping is something I’ll dread at times, and I want to cut off all ties with the world and just stay home like a hermit. BUT I DON’T WANT TO. I want to feel better about myself. I want to be able to sleeping comfortably, walk fast as I naturally do, sit/lay on the floor, stand for longer periods of time, stop mentally criticizing myself with anything I do.

I know there are people worse off than me, but my back is a huge disabler. I wish I wasn’t broke. I want to go to a chiropractor so bad.